Connect with other book lovers

Following up on the book website article: share your personal favorite sites in the comments of this post!

Understanding depression

Here's a brief talk on depression by Robert Sapolsky, Stanford biologist and author of Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers, a bestselling book on stress. It's worth watching for a look into some of the ways depression can affect everyday functioning in some surprising ways.



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Matthew Tiffany works in Gorham as a mental health counselor in private practice. He welcomes any questions or comments, and can be reached at his e-mail address, matthewwftiffany@gmail.com, by phone at (207)518-8145, and via his website.

Five approaches to happiness

Continuing Mental Illness week, I thought I'd share this short video from Tal Ben-Shahar, a psychology lecturer at Harvard University. Ben-Shahar lectures extensively on "positive psychology," more information about which can be found here. (My apologies for the right edge of the video being a little cropped; you can also see the video here, as well as read a transcript of the talk here.)

Matthew Tiffany is a mental health counselor, freelance writer, and parent. He welcomes any questions or comments, and can be reached at his e-mail address,matthewwftiffany@gmail.com, by phone at (207)518-8145, and via his website.

Caring for a depressed friend

This week is Mental Illness Week, so I thought I'd write a bit about being helpful to people suffering from depression. The fact is, nearly everyone will have difficulties of this sort at some point in your life, whether it be severe depression or "a case of the blues," whether it be discomfort around changes in your work schedule or full blown stress and panic attacks from being laid off. Mental illness can and does affect people of all ages, races, and backgrounds.

1. The first thing you can do to help a friend or relative who has depression is to help him or her to get an appropriate diagnosis and treatment. If the depression is severe, you may need to make an appointment for them and accompany them to that appointment. Also, encourage him or her to stick with the treatment - the problems that can lead to depression often have roots that go way back, and it takes time to address those causes. You can find a counselor or therapist in your area at this excellent website.
2. Offer emotional support and encouragement. Let the person know that you're available to help out. A quote: "It was one of those times when you have to decide between your own convenience and the unknown quantity of another man's troubles." (R. Macdonald) Listen to him or her openly, without judging or trying to downplay how the person is feeling. What may seem like a minor matter to you (and might to them, also, if they weren't struggling) isn't minor to them.
3. Never ignore comments about suicide, and report them to your friend's or relative's counselor or doctor. If you are unsure about how to contact them, or need further advice on how to proceed, the Maine 211 help line is a good resource.
4. Invite your friend or relative to go on walks, outings and other activities. Keep trying if he or she declines, but remember not to push. Although diversions and company are needed, placing too many demands on the person may increase feelings of failure.
5. Remind the person that with time and treatment, the depression will lift. Let them know that although depression can feel like the worst sort of loneliness, many people suffer from it and are able to turn around a situation that seems hopeless.

Matthew Tiffany is a mental health counselor, freelance writer, and parent. He welcomes any questions or comments, and can be reached at his e-mail address,matthewwftiffany@gmail.com, by phone at (207)518-8145, and via his website.

Back to school - for parents!

Whatever you might think about the President's address to school children the other day, it's hard to argue with the importance of a good education. Your children may still be undecided about what they want to do after finishing high school, and depending on their age, they'll probably downplay their feelings about the value of school. Whether you've got a first grader who's still excited about learning, or a jaded teenager counting the days to graduation, the fact is, they're going to be spending most of their waking hours there.

It can be frustrating for parents to have such diminished influence over their kids. There are some things you can do to make things easier, both for you and for your kids.

1. Start at an early age with getting organized. This can be as simple as a wall calendar that you use - with your kids' participation - to track everything that's going on, from after school activities to science fairs, from homework and project due dates to field trips. If you're more technologically inclined, start a Google Calendar for everything school related and have reminders of upcoming events emailed to you. Talk with your kids about the calendar - don't just fill it out yourself (though that may seem easier), because doing it together will teach them to keep themselves organized and on task.
2. The new day starts the night before. Set aside time for homework - and set aside time for unwinding - but it makes the morning a lot easier to pick out the next day's clothes ahead of time. (One family I know takes 15 minutes on Sundays to plan out clothes for the whole week. It may sound strange, but it's one less thing in the morning.) Pack lunch foods the night before. It's all about habits - hard to make, but hard to break.
3. Stay in touch with teachers. Many teachers are now using the Internet to list assignments on an ongoing basis - you can use this with your home calendar to make sure you're up-to-date on any changes. Also, find out at the beginning of the year what the teacher's preferred method of contact is - do they want to write notes back and forth in a spiral notebook, is e-mail more convenient, do they want telephone calls? It's not only okay to be a squeaky wheel when it comes to your kids' education - it's mandatory. If you talk with the teacher early in the year to set up some back-and-forth on an ongoing basis, they'll be able to plan for it, and you'll be more likely to follow through. Don't wait for a problem to arise before you get to know the teachers.
4. Open house. For many parents, going to open house is a no-brainer, but there are ways to improve on it. Remember going in that the teacher is going to be having conversations with anywhere between 20 and 70 parents in the span of a couple of hours. Keep your check-in brief, and use this time to set up a separate parent-teacher conference to talk about your kids' strengths, weaknesses, and goals. Also, call ahead of time and ask if there's anything you can do to help with the open house - whether it's bringing a snack, or showing up early to help set up, whatever might be helpful. You'll be helping a probably frazzled teacher and building a relationship with him/her.
5. Offer to volunteer. Yes, the "v-word" - "It's really hard to find the time for volunteering, and what could I do, anyway? I'd just make my kid nervous." Teachers are well aware of parents' feelings about volunteering, both positive and negative; if you ask, they'll be able to steer you in the right direction. Maybe they'll ask you to read to younger kids in a library reading time; maybe there's something related to your profession that you could talk with the kids about, or maybe you have a hobby or special talent you could share. Again, there might not be a great deal you can do to help - schools have specific rules about volunteering - but the offer creates good will between you and the teachers, letting them know that you've got their backs. It also shows your kids that you're interested in making sure they get the most out of their years in school.

Do you have any tips that have worked well for you? Share them in the comments.

Matthew Tiffany is a mental health counselor, freelance writer, and parent. He welcomes any questions or comments, and can be reached at his e-mail address,matthewwftiffany@gmail.com, by phone at (207)518-8145, and via his website.

The blanket of Freedom...A story for Veterans' Day

The Blanket of Freedom

The other day my daughter and I met for a bite to eat and some chat time. As we entered the front door, a Marine in full dress uniform caught my eye.

"Wow," I said to my daughter, almost walking into a table, "whoever designed those uniforms should be designing clothes for civilians as well. We need someone who can get the kids away from those belly shirts and pants worn so low I don't want to know what's holding them up."

My daughter laughed. She's over thirty and can afford to laugh at such fuddy duddy comments made by her mother.

When we got settled at our table, I felt bad for temporarily reducing the Marine Corp to a statement of fashion. After I caught my breath, I mean, I'm old enough to be his…older sister; I started to think about what these men represent. As the Jack Nicholson character so eloquently said in the movie, 'A Few Good Men,' these men guard the walls. We sleep beneath the blanket of the freedom that they provide.

I wonder how many of us, as we climb under our covers each night, think about the fact that we can go to sleep without fear, that we live in a country with liberty and justice for all. We are free to speak, to worship, to vote for our leaders…we are even free to disagree with how our country is being run and most importantly, free to do something about it.

Sure, our leaders have made decisions we disagree with especially when it comes to defending democracy. We all have opinions on the morality and purpose of each war as we wait for history to record which ones were right. But the men and women who stood on the wall did so without question, without doubting the orders they were given. America's soldiers held that wall for us, right or wrong.

Every year in November we devote a day to honoring our soldiers and veterans as well as remembering those who gave their lives. But when I think of those men and women who died for our country, I also think of their families, their friends and the dozens if not hundreds of people who are affected by each and every death. I wonder what one day a year means to children who have lost their parents or to parents who have lost their children.

In the movie Shenandoah, James Stewart plays farmer Charlie Anderson, a widower with seven children caught between the north and south during the civil war. After losing several of his children to the war, he speaks at the grave of his wife, his words choked with tears. "There's not much I can tell you about this war, Martha. It's like all wars, I guess. The undertakers are winning it, the politicians talk about the glory of it, and the old men talk about the need of it. And the soldiers, well, they just wanna go home."

So, this year, on Veterans' Day and every day that follows, I will pray that all the soldiers come home…and soon.

I know that bringing them home will not end all wars. If history has taught us anything, it has taught us there will always be wars. But this year as I climb into bed on the eve of November eleventh, I will dream every one home, even if just for one day.

As my daughter and I got up to leave, I walked her to her car and gave her a big hug, holding on an extra second because I didn't want to let go.

"Thanks for supper, Mom," she said as she got into her car. "Give my love to Dad. See you next week!"

It was as simple as that. See you next week, Mom. And I know we will. I know we will because she sleeps under the same blanket that I do, that all Americans do, the one that the Marine and his comrades so bravely gave us, the blanket of freedom.

Good Grief! Great Finds at Goodwill

It’s been many years since I stepped foot in the Gorham Goodwill store. A few weeks ago, after a rare sunny beach outing, the girls convinced (begged) me to stop in on our way home.

I was pleasantly surprised to find a clean, bright, nicely laid out store just bursting with bargains.

The store is easily navigated, and divided into sections for household, books, men, women and children. There are clothes, shoes, clothing accessories, toys, games, furniture, jewelry, CDs, books, sheets and towels, kitchenware, decorative items – just about anything you would find in a large department store.

There is a mix of used and new items, and everything is priced to sell, though it does take time and a good eye to spot the outstanding deals.

My best find of the day was a pair of Banana Republic jeans - no tags but in brand new condition – for $6.99, a lot less than the typical $69 retail price. I also bought a package of two camisoles for $5.99 (new) and an LL Bean cardigan for the same price.

Every one of us found “treasures,” with the total bill adding up to less than $50 for nine articles of high quality clothing and two books!

The best part about the shopping experience was getting up to the register and being told that something was half off the already low price, according to the colored label or “barb” (those plastic things that hold tags) that was on the item. So, a shirt marked $4.99 was $2.50 because it happened to have the barb that was that week’s sale color. Not bad!

Goodwill also offers a discount card for an annual fee of $10 that entitles the shopper to 10% off every purchase and access to special sales.

Thrift is hip these days and just makes good economic sense. Being thrifty is also easy when there is a Goodwill store offering a variety of low priced, high quality merchandise right here in town.

Goodwill
102 Main Street
Gorham
www.goodwillnne.org

Tough Times Require Tough Decisions: Take Baxter Library’s Survey

I can’t think of one place here in Gorham that provides more services or is more welcoming than our town library. As much as the library does for everyone from toddlers to senior citizens to further learning, provide a place for community gatherings, and offer activities that are just plain fun, it isn’t immune to the tough times that surround us, and town budget cuts are forcing a cut in library hours come September.

To make the best of an unfortunate situation, Pam Turner, Director of Baxter Library, has worked with staff members and the library trustees to develop a survey. The survey allows all of us to provide input regarding which time of day and day of the week we’d prefer the cuts to take place. You can take the survey by visiting the library’s website at www.baxterlibrary.org or stopping at the library to fill out a paper survey. The online link will be active until July 22, 2009 at 11:45 p.m. when the survey will close and results will be tallied.

When you think of the range of activities that take place at the library, there clearly isn’t a good time to cut hours, but that is what must happen due to budget cuts. Parents and children look forward to story hours, ever increasing numbers depend on the library’s computers to help with job searches, and many of us rely on evening hours to take advantage of library resources. I usually make a trip to the library on Saturday mornings, and I love the welcome staff members give everyone, the friends and neighbors I see, and the wealth of books, magazines, and DVDs right there at my fingertips. If you haven’t checked out the library’s website recently, you will be in for a very pleasant surprise with all that it offers.

But before you do that, take a few minutes to complete the survey and be part of the process by sharing your input.

Lunching at Ocean Garden With Our Moms

George Washington Carver, the great educator and agriculturist who persevered in spite of being born into slavery, once said, “How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and the strong, because at some point in your life you will have been all of these.”

When I stumbled upon a poster with this quote, I had to have it. I took it home and hung it in a place where I would see it every day. And over the years, it has meant more and more to me, maybe because the sentiment is so true and worthy of reaching the attention of every man, woman, and child and maybe because I am now at the age where I have been almost all of these.

It’s one thing to look back and remember the stages of your life and what you needed and appreciated from your family and friends during each time. It is another thing to look into the unknown, the path you have yet to travel and figure out how to treat those who have arrived there before you. It lends new meaning to the “Golden Rule”; do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

My husband and I recently traveled to Maine to visit our Moms. Since they live in neighboring towns, Gorham and South Portland, we often make it a double date. They seem to enjoy these visits since they have a lot in common…us and their age. Our Moms, born ten months apart, are almost ninety. Each has her wits about her which makes the visits very enjoyable and neither can eat as much as they used to which makes lunch fairly economical.

Sure, we’ve heard the same stories a hundred times but then our children say the same thing about us. I think that during the average lifespan most people acquire only a dozen or so good stories, so if one lives to be say, more than forty, it is inevitable that their stories are going to get repeated.

"Oh, guess what happened to my car?" my mother-in-law said with considerable animation.
"Uh, Flossie hit it, right!" my husband said winking at his mother.
Undaunted, she continued, "But did I tell you it's going to cost..."
"Five grand," my husband interrupted.
Further undaunted, my mother-in-law concluded, "Well, it was good no one was hurt, don't you think?"
We all chuckled and my husband gave his Mother a hug. She smiled back, happy to get in the last word.
But occasionally, our Moms come up with a few surprises.

“Rhonda’s emails are very funny,” my mother commented about our oldest daughter halfway through the meal at Ocean’s Garden. “Oh, yes,” my mother-in-law joined in, “that story about little Jesse and the baseball bat was a good one.”

They both started laughing, my mother holding onto her side while trying to keep from falling out of her chair. Their eyes were welling up with tears when one of them finally sighed and said, “Oh that was a good one.”

They returned to their meals as if nothing had ever happened. My husband and I settled back into our seats, relieved that neither one of them was going to require the Heimlich maneuver.

At the end of the meal we chatted over cups of decaf and then walked our Moms to their cars.

Yes, they still drive but not as far. Speed, yes, I think they’ve maintained a 30 mph philosophy since the 1950’s but that works for them and as long as we don’t have to drive behind them on the highway, we really don’t mind.

And while our Moms no longer venture very far, they have traveled a great distance according to Mr. Carver who expressed how far we go in our lives in terms of tenderness, compassion, sympathy and tolerance.

How far will my husband and I travel according to Mr. Carver, we wonder sometimes as we think about all we’ve learned from these elderly creatures.
And how will our children treat us as we approach our ninth decade?

I guess we’ll try to get there first before we spend too much time wondering. But we hope that with all we have learned during life's journey, we have at least left a well marked trail for our children.

Surviving, and Excelling at, College Life

Returning home to Gorham from college is just about the same as anyone would expect. You get off that plane, or you drive down that familiar road, with bags or car stuffed full, and finally return home to the family and your own bed. And the only thought on your mind: What a wonderful thing a pantry stuffed full of food is!

You have your fill of food that you did not have to buy, you watch cable you did not have to pay for, and you sleep in sheets you did not have to wash. No early classes, no boring lectures, and no 100+ page required reading. At the end of your first day home, you go to sleep with that Louis Armstrong song playing in your head: "And I think to myself, what a wonderful world."

And then the thought you wake up with: I can't wait for school to start again!

To those who have yet to embark on the exciting, perilous and awe-striking venture known as college, this may seem paradoxical. College is where you will have the time of your life and it is where you will have the most grueling exams of your life. It is what one might call bittersweet. Yet, have no fear soon-to-be collegians, those who have recently donned the cap-and-gown and receive your polished diplomas, college is much more sweet than it is bitter. As long as you follow these instructions I have laid out for you. I call it "John Mark 's Guide to Surviving, and Excelling at, College Life."

#1 Leave the drama for yo' mama.
You are now entering the world of college-level thinkers, who are (usually) supremely more mature and intelligent than high-schoolers (no offense to high-schoolers, but this is a whole other plane of existence). High school drama does not apply in this sort of environment, nor will it survive, thrive or even try to jive. True dramatic situations indeed take place, but on a whole other scale. When you are working hard to get a degree, trying to come up with a thesis and get the laundry done, high school drama finally becomes a pesky fly that is best swatted away.

#2 Professors redefine the meaning of "educator"
When you take Chem 101, or Western English Lit, or Early Roman History, or Advanced Botany, you find yourself out of the decorated, kid-friendly classrooms and in the intimidating lecture halls. And at the helm of this great hall of learning, is the professor, a person who is not to be trifled with. You cannot expect a professor to let you turn in a paper a day late, have a make-up test for those who failed or can be swayed to change a grade simply because of a phone call from your mom. They are a whole other breed of teachers. They are not evil people in the slightest, but they do have hundreds of students to teach and that means thousands of papers to grade, and very little tolerance for late-arrivals. No longer can you expect your parents to talk you out of your class-related problems, you simply must man- or woman-up and go talk to the professor yourself.

#3 Horde quarters like a shopaholic with shoes
You are now away from home, nearly on your own, and now expected to...dramatic pause...do your own laundry. Mother is miles and miles away and do not even think about asking your girlfriend to do it. Laundry is a life skill that must be learned or you will face social extinction amongst your peers. Now, laundromats located on campuses usually take quarters, and more than one per machine. So keep them stashed away some place secret where prying eyes can't find them.

#4 Please do not leave baggage unattended
There are those out there on campus who have developed sticky fingers and are quite capable of taking things not belonging to them. They are known as thieves--and they love to strike at the laundromat. Clothes left in the dryer unattended, while you go to play Halo or watch the Hills, can be taken within mere seconds. It has happened to me, it has happened to friends and it very well could happen to you. So stay with your belongings, less you be forced to buy them again.

#5 Don't waste money
Whether you are going to school on a scholarship, or having it paid for by mom and dad, or paying for it all yourself, or any combination of the three, the money spent is precious and expecting to be used for its purpose: getting good grades in school. A whole lot of money is spent not so you can go dance wild around a keg at all hours of the night, but so you can earn a degree and make something of yourself. Three simple words: Do your homework. If you live by this rule you will find success. It may be hard, it may be long and it may be so utterly tedious you want to burn the whole library down in frustration, but if you just get it out of the way and done right, you will have done your parents proud.

#6 Don't waste money Part 2
The spending money you have is precious, so precious that it can disappear within minutes. So word from the wise: spend cautiously. Do not spend it on video games you'll only play for a little while, perfumes you only wear on certain occasions or on a pair of jeans you could just get free for Christmas. Instead, spend it on food you will need to eat between meals. Save it for a Friday night when you spend a night out on the town. Save it for that long weekend road trip you and your friends are taking. And save it, most obviously, for gas.

#7 Social Butterflies have all the fun
Whatever you do, whether you're a shy home-body or an energetic socialite, do not spend all your time in the dorm room. Staying in the room all year will earn you very little friends and will drive your roommate up the wall. Even if you have no place to go, get out of the room and walk around campus. Don't let the fun find you, you have to go out and find the fun yourself. You have been tossed into a new and strange world, full of new and strange people, so get out there and find them.

College is not the final frontier. It is a place, however, where you finally get cut from the figurative umbilical cord and thrown into a four-year long independence training program. So, for you soon-to-be collegians, take that leap of faith, follow the rules above, and enjoy!

Jonesin’ for that Asphalt Trip

It’s only Day 3 of the 21-day Gorham Bypass shutdown, and I’m already one hurting commuter. Sure, this time of year it’s not a huge hassle to have to drive through downtown Gorham twice a day, morning and evening, but it’s just not the same.

I’m one of “those people” that the Bypass was built for – a West Gorham resident, living off of Route 25, who drives to a job in Portland five days a week. To be honest, I wasn’t the least bit excited about the new road when it was under construction. Sure, I was curious – a road 50 years in the making has to be pretty special - but truth be told my commute wasn’t that much of a hassle. I have a flexible work schedule and had learned to time my travel through the center of town so I wouldn’t be on Route 25 when the cars were lined up past Edgewood Animal Hospital.

But, from the very first trip on the new road, I was addicted. It’s not so much the first stretch that runs from 25 to 202 that got me, but that second, long, gently winding piece that goes from the 202/4 rotary to 114 was the hook.

Who knew the road would be so easy to navigate and fun to drive, with soft curves, wide shoulders and an endless view? Who would ever think that there would be wildlife to watch – deer grazing, turkeys strutting, birds flitting all over the place? And who could ever predict the first stunning pink and orange sunset spied on the horizon one late winter evening on the commute home? Or the peacefulness and quiet of an early spring morning, when there are no other cars in sight and the warm sun is streaming into the car?

So, hurry it up, MDOT, and finish whatever it is you’re doing with the paving machines, the flaggers and the orange barrels. I need my Bypass fix!

Baxter Memorial Library Wants to be YOUR Library

This past Monday morning, I had the pleasure of participating in the first of a two-part strategic planning session for Baxter Memorial Library. The library’s Board of Trustees sponsored the planning project and hired Gorham resident Mary Jo O’Connor to facilitate.

Prior to the session, library staff posted surveys on the library's Web site and distributed questionnaires to patrons, staff, and volunteers. Besides reviewing the survey and questionnaire results, O’Connor asked strategic planning participants to read an article by Margaret J. Wheatley and Myron Keller-Rogers entitled “The Irresistible Future of Organizing.” The surveys and the article formed the framework for the morning’s discussion.

By the end of the 4-hour session, the group had identified core issues in three categories: Identity, Information, and Relationships that we will address at the second strategic planning session.

The second and final planning session will take place next Monday morning, June 8, 2009. At this session, the group will identify specific strategies and goals that will guide Baxter Memorial Library’s future growth. Newly formed workgroups will then carry out the library’s new strategic plan.

The last time our library undertook a strategic planning session was in 1994. At that time, the planning committee identified five key areas that needed attention. From that plan came the building expansion and renovation as well as the formation of Friends of Baxter Memorial Library.

Although the current planning process is underway, we still welcome input from interested community members. If you are a current library patron and have thoughts, questions, or concerns, please feel free to contact any of the planning participants (listed below) and/or complete the online survey. If you are not a library patron, we would like to know how Baxter Memorial Library could serve your education, entertainment, and social needs. We invite you to complete the online survey and/or talk with planning participants. We encourage your comments and participation in the strategic planning process. Please join us!

Baxter Memorial Library belongs to each one of us. Please let us know how Gorham’s community library can become YOUR library.

That’s all for now…I’ll post the planning results in the future.

Thanks for reading,

Dede Perkins

Director, Gorham Business & Civic Exchange

Past Treasurer and Trustee, Baxter Memorial Library

Participant, Baxter Memorial Library Strategic Planning Committee

Participants in the first planning session: Mary Jo O’Connor, Facilitator, Deb Buker, Rita Cantor, Mary Collins, Gerry Day, Linda Frinsko, Deb Loveitt, Peggy Marchand, Frank Nejezchleba, Dede Perkins, James Rathbun, Cathy Stevens, Pam Turner

From Here to There

I do not know how I got myself into this but here goes.......
Fifteen years ago when a dozen of us started the Gorham Times I never imagined a world with the Internet, web pages, blogging, twittering, your space, my face and your tubes. But here we are.
I am excited that the GT is embracing technology, with our Web site, YouTube, LinkedIn, and Facebook presences, and now, hosting a blog. As long as it helps the print version and brings people to our site so that we can add exposure for our advertisers, and provide enhanced communication to our readers, I am all for it.
So please participate and post comments and ideas. If it is interesting to people in Gorham we will support it.
As we head further into the latest communication methods, I do want to remind people how important and valuable the print Gorham Times is.
In fact, I have 10 top reasons why reading a print newspaper is so valuable [drum roll please].......
#10 Keeps loggers, papermakers and salesman in business.
#9 Recycling is good for the environment
#8 I read a newspaper every morning at breakfast. I do not want to spill maple syrup on my keyboard.
#7 I like the feel and smell of newsprint and enjoy washing the ink from my hands.
#6 I read the ads [really!]
#5 I have started reading Obituaries
#4 I do not want people believing Keith Olberman and Rush Limbaugh are news reporters like Walter Cronkite and Edward R Morrrow [am I dating myself?]
#3 I do not have a computer in my bathroom.
#2 The GT is my home town NEWSPAPER, NOT my “start button-homepage URL-www.- password- user name-access code-mothers maiden name- google it-x%&*$#% oh crap, my computer just crashed !” news source.
and #1 I am thinking of getting a parakeet and I need....
So please keep reading your REAL newspaper even while you text, tweet and blog away!
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