Surviving, and Excelling at, College Life

Returning home to Gorham from college is just about the same as anyone would expect. You get off that plane, or you drive down that familiar road, with bags or car stuffed full, and finally return home to the family and your own bed. And the only thought on your mind: What a wonderful thing a pantry stuffed full of food is!

You have your fill of food that you did not have to buy, you watch cable you did not have to pay for, and you sleep in sheets you did not have to wash. No early classes, no boring lectures, and no 100+ page required reading. At the end of your first day home, you go to sleep with that Louis Armstrong song playing in your head: "And I think to myself, what a wonderful world."

And then the thought you wake up with: I can't wait for school to start again!

To those who have yet to embark on the exciting, perilous and awe-striking venture known as college, this may seem paradoxical. College is where you will have the time of your life and it is where you will have the most grueling exams of your life. It is what one might call bittersweet. Yet, have no fear soon-to-be collegians, those who have recently donned the cap-and-gown and receive your polished diplomas, college is much more sweet than it is bitter. As long as you follow these instructions I have laid out for you. I call it "John Mark 's Guide to Surviving, and Excelling at, College Life."

#1 Leave the drama for yo' mama.
You are now entering the world of college-level thinkers, who are (usually) supremely more mature and intelligent than high-schoolers (no offense to high-schoolers, but this is a whole other plane of existence). High school drama does not apply in this sort of environment, nor will it survive, thrive or even try to jive. True dramatic situations indeed take place, but on a whole other scale. When you are working hard to get a degree, trying to come up with a thesis and get the laundry done, high school drama finally becomes a pesky fly that is best swatted away.

#2 Professors redefine the meaning of "educator"
When you take Chem 101, or Western English Lit, or Early Roman History, or Advanced Botany, you find yourself out of the decorated, kid-friendly classrooms and in the intimidating lecture halls. And at the helm of this great hall of learning, is the professor, a person who is not to be trifled with. You cannot expect a professor to let you turn in a paper a day late, have a make-up test for those who failed or can be swayed to change a grade simply because of a phone call from your mom. They are a whole other breed of teachers. They are not evil people in the slightest, but they do have hundreds of students to teach and that means thousands of papers to grade, and very little tolerance for late-arrivals. No longer can you expect your parents to talk you out of your class-related problems, you simply must man- or woman-up and go talk to the professor yourself.

#3 Horde quarters like a shopaholic with shoes
You are now away from home, nearly on your own, and now expected to...dramatic pause...do your own laundry. Mother is miles and miles away and do not even think about asking your girlfriend to do it. Laundry is a life skill that must be learned or you will face social extinction amongst your peers. Now, laundromats located on campuses usually take quarters, and more than one per machine. So keep them stashed away some place secret where prying eyes can't find them.

#4 Please do not leave baggage unattended
There are those out there on campus who have developed sticky fingers and are quite capable of taking things not belonging to them. They are known as thieves--and they love to strike at the laundromat. Clothes left in the dryer unattended, while you go to play Halo or watch the Hills, can be taken within mere seconds. It has happened to me, it has happened to friends and it very well could happen to you. So stay with your belongings, less you be forced to buy them again.

#5 Don't waste money
Whether you are going to school on a scholarship, or having it paid for by mom and dad, or paying for it all yourself, or any combination of the three, the money spent is precious and expecting to be used for its purpose: getting good grades in school. A whole lot of money is spent not so you can go dance wild around a keg at all hours of the night, but so you can earn a degree and make something of yourself. Three simple words: Do your homework. If you live by this rule you will find success. It may be hard, it may be long and it may be so utterly tedious you want to burn the whole library down in frustration, but if you just get it out of the way and done right, you will have done your parents proud.

#6 Don't waste money Part 2
The spending money you have is precious, so precious that it can disappear within minutes. So word from the wise: spend cautiously. Do not spend it on video games you'll only play for a little while, perfumes you only wear on certain occasions or on a pair of jeans you could just get free for Christmas. Instead, spend it on food you will need to eat between meals. Save it for a Friday night when you spend a night out on the town. Save it for that long weekend road trip you and your friends are taking. And save it, most obviously, for gas.

#7 Social Butterflies have all the fun
Whatever you do, whether you're a shy home-body or an energetic socialite, do not spend all your time in the dorm room. Staying in the room all year will earn you very little friends and will drive your roommate up the wall. Even if you have no place to go, get out of the room and walk around campus. Don't let the fun find you, you have to go out and find the fun yourself. You have been tossed into a new and strange world, full of new and strange people, so get out there and find them.

College is not the final frontier. It is a place, however, where you finally get cut from the figurative umbilical cord and thrown into a four-year long independence training program. So, for you soon-to-be collegians, take that leap of faith, follow the rules above, and enjoy!